It's been well over a year since my life changed and I quite my job. I lost a group of people from my life and 2013 was a year of adjustments and changes. Today the pain of October/November came flooding back and I wished for the feeling of oblivion again.

I'd like to think I've changed and learned forgiveness but when you're faced with the old anger and bitterness that you thought you put behind you, you realize that nothings changed and you've just shoved those old feelings down deep into the pit of emotions.

It's sad to realize that although you've "forgiven", no one else has.

All it takes is one small step in the wrong direction and you've stumbled and stepped on that blade. It slices into you and you start to crave that red hot slice. It feels good, allows a seeping liquid to escape and with it goes the anger, sadness, frustration and depression you've felt all your life and leaves you empty and unfeeling which, when you admit it, feels pretty damn good! All emotions are poisonous to you and make you sick and confused because they're all actually lying to you! They don't want you to feel good! If you give into them, they win and become more powerful. It's like a vicious cycle. The more ill they make you feel the more powerful they become and they make you sicker and it revolves around unending.

It's hard to live with emotions when you don't respond to them like other people. People around you don't understand what you're going through and judge you for the way you react to others. They consider you cruel or nasty and call you abusive or think you are a horrible person. It's not fair that you have to try to justify yourself with those people closest to you. They should be the people to say "I don't need to know why you're like this. All i need to know is that I love you and accept you."

Well self! I don't need to know why you're defective! I love you and accept you just the way you are!