My future

I have a job. My concern with said job is that it's not what I went to college for. I'm feeling conflicted about the job because I want to work in a clinic doing what I worked 8 years on. I don't want to be middle age in a job that I'm not happy with.

I've given myself up to a year in this position. If in a years time I'm not happy with where I am, I'm going to find another job.

The end is near

I feel the end is getting closer. There's less control in the back legs, more weakness in general. He seems to have less awareness and he's more restless than normal. There may also be some weight loss. With kidney failure brewing for 3 years, I wonder if it's going to catch up to him. My poor old dog Casper may be leaving this world soon.

We did however think the same thing this time last year. He was weaker, messing more in the house, sleeping more often and seemed less aware of his surroundings. I don't know if it's me thinking he made it through another winter, let's see if he can go one more. I don't know if it's wondering when the time will come, thinking that now I don't have the money for any heroics. It's not the easiest having an elderly dog and not being able to see into his future.

He's been my companion for 10 years. I adopted him while I was in school and he was my walking companion, my movie friends, the one I cried to when I was upset or depressed. We came to know each other as well as a dog and human can. He became my everything and guided my through my twenties. My loneliness, my dating, my breakups, my job losses. He took care of me so these last 2 - 3 years, when he became someone other than the dog I knew and loved, I took care of him. I've gone through different medications to help with brain function, different diets to help with brain and joint health, using a belly band to prevent urine leakages, cleaning up his various messes in the house. I've stuck with him when many other people would have said "no way! It's too much work and way too much money!"

I love my dog and I'm going to miss him when the time comes.

Frustration!!!

Why is it always so incredibly difficult for people to comfirm things? I'm trying to organize a gathering on Saturday at a comedy club and I need an exact number of tickets or I'm charged for those that don't show up.

I need to know now!!!!

It's really frustrating when people don't respond ASAP to inquiries. Why is it so difficult? I know everyone else has a life and I don't but not knowing has me frustrated, anxious and nervous about not getting the seats we need and booking the seats but having to pay for no shows. I'm already dealing with anxiety and I don't need this shit shoveled on top of it!

I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing but I always do that. I wish I could just go with the flow but unfortunately I'm not that type of person. I wish I could change!!

Be Positive!

I'm trying to be very positive while dealing with my depression. It's not an easy thing for depressed people, always thinking of the negative, how people don't care, how the world is out to get them. That's how I feel and there are many days where I give in to those feelings and allow them to carry me away.

I'm positive I'm not going to get a job. Of course I'm not really looking in my field of expertise right now. I always wonder if I start sending out resumes to veterinary clinics if I'll get a hit. And then what? Am I ready for the stress of it all again? Especially going into heartworm season. It's a busy time of year for a clinic and even busier when there is a new employee involved.

I'm positive I have no friends. Of course if I didn't have friends, then I wouldn't have had anyone over on the weekend. We had a small gathering and it was really fun!

I'm positive I'm a failure. I'm really only a failure because I look at the negative of what's been happening the last year. The positive point is that my husband and I are stronger in our relationship than we were a year ago; I haven't failed at my marriage.

CBT (aka cognitive behaviour therapy) is what my doctor wants me to work on. It gives you a way to look at different situations that affect you and learn to recognize your emotions and feelings in those situations. It gives you a formula for adjusting your thinking and learning how to think differently.

I purchased the workbook "Mind Over Mood". For anyone who cannot deal with their emotions or cannot recognize their emotions I suggest purchasing this book and working through it.

Now I just have to turn my frown upside down and start looking on the "positive" side of life.

It's hard

I'm sad today. I'm sad and confused and hurt and anguished and tormented with all these feelings and I don't know how to express myself. I'm lost between wanting to cry and wanting to sit down and do nothing. Instead I've lit candles, cleaned my house and I'm blaring my music. I wish I could cry because it would make me feel better. It would drain all the bad from me.

I cut this morning again. It's the same spot each time but I'm doing more and more cuts. It's three this time instead of two. And last time was two instead of one. They aren't big cuts, maybe 1/2 an inch. It didn't help me. It didn't release the demons. I hurt inside.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is not being heard. It feels that I've gone through life not being heard by my family, my parents, my friends, my coworkers and bosses. I think I have things to say that are important and like everyone else in this world I worry that what I say will go unheard by the most important people in my life.

I have a fear of abandonment. I have a fear of being forgotten and ignored. It's happened to me more times that I can count. For some reason people can't stick around for the entire show. They show up for the intro, sometimes stick around for the first act but can't make it through the entire play. They find the play too intense, too scattered. They can't get the story line and they don't want to try and decipher it. That makes it hard for me to trust people.

I've never made friends easily. I've never fit into a group or click. In high school I was part of a group until they decided I wasn't good enough, wasn't stable enough to be friends with them. I lost all my friends and with them my sense of stability. I wandered through my last two years of high school without a purpose. I lost my identity.

I entered into my first year of college with no real prospects. I was living at home then, and I was taking this course to upgrade my science and biology. I didn't have any real hopes of making friends. This was just a stepping stone to bigger and better things. I tried but ultimately I failed. Maybe it's because I didn't dress "cool" or maybe it's because I didn't attend school functions.

When I started college for vet technology, I had higher hopes. I was in the program for two years so I figured that was long enough to make a friend. It was still extremely hard. I didn't drink, I was living off campus and I was used to being a loner. People felt I wasn't good enough for the program and a number of them thought I wouldn't make it past the first semester. I made some "enemies", people who didn't like me for whatever reason. However, I did make one good lasting friendship. That bolstered my resolve to make myself someone better, a nonloner.

My first year out of college was lonely. I only had my animals and my fish. I didn't make friends at work. I didn't make friends out of work. I wasn't too worried, I knew how to be alone and how to entertain myself.

I moved to the big city the second year out of college. That's where I started dating and started getting to know people. I got to know 3 people really well at work. So well that we spent a lot of time together outside of work. The biggest theme with these outings was alcohol. I did indeed discover drinking and I discovered that I was fun and outgoing when I was drinking. I made people laugh.

Alcohol is also what made my depression worse. I've always had depression but about 2 years ago it started to get bad again. My job was getting to me and my marriage was in trouble.

Last October my life fell apart. I had quit my job due to depression and anxiety. I was on antidepressants and seeing a therapist. My cat got sick and we had to put him down. And I lost my friends. I was stupid at a party and I let the depression dictate my drinking and I became a horrible human being.

I have never been described as horrible. I'm a genuinely nice person. I don't get mad at people for being asses, I forgive and I don't lie. I guess that's why their betrayal was so painful. They abandoned me.

I couldn't explain myself. They didn't give me the chance. They didn't allow me to apologize. They judged me negatively because of one night. I knew these people for 6 years and in one night all the good we were was erased and thrown out.

I'm a little bitter but I forgive them. They don't understand and they don't forgive easily. For some people a mistake is a mistake. For others it's a deal breaker. If I knew I was breaking our deal, I wouldn't have had alcohol that night. I would have listened to what I was trying to tell myself, that I wasn't in a good place. I should have gone home and avoided the situation all together. For someone who wants to be heard, I definitely didn't hear myself. Ironic, isn't it?

It's weird

I went to a "meeting" last night for people dealing with depression and anxiety among other social/mental health issues. I was nervous. Under normal circumstances, when I'm not dealing with anxiety and depression, I am an outgoing person, not prone to social hiccups that sometimes afflict other people. I can mingle easily and I'm capable of discussing many topics with many different social circles. Sometimes in these mingling situations I do drink. I love to drink! My drink of choice in the last year has been red wine. I didn't drink last night and mixed with my anxiety I was a bundle of nerves.

I don't like how depression and anxiety affect me. I have been dealing with these health issues for more than 15 years and they wax and wane like the ocean tides. When I was younger and in elementary school and high school my "issues" were affected by puberty. Not to mention the fact that I have Tourette Syndrome and it was much worse when I was younger causing massive mood swings, aggression and the need to keep a routine (especially in regards to my television programs). it's never been easy for me to meet people and keep friends due to my problems - people just don't seem to get me! When I was in my early twenties and started a new job, I started meeting new people. This was mostly due to the internet (dating sites) and these people were all males. I discovered alcohol and decided that it made me better and more sociable.

Alcohol is a deadly drink. It changes a person's personality based on their current beliefs and feelings. Example - when I'm happy and I drink to excess I am a happy, funny drunk. When I'm depressed and drink too much I become sad, melancholy and a downright drag. I restrained myself last night and did not drink. I did this for a number of reasons.

1) No one else was drinking. I personally don't like to be the only one out of a group drinking alcohol. It's not fun being the only one having alcohol, especially when in a social setting with 10 or so people. You stand out, plain and simple.

2) I knew that some of the people would have issues with alcoholism. Alcohol and depression go hand in hand. Some people who have issues will drink to forget those issues. Alcohol can make a person feel good for a short period of time before it all goes wrong.

3) I was driving and I know I don't always stop at one drink. Even having one drink and driving is not a good idea. We've all seen the commercial with the beer glasses and the bus! Even one drink impairs your judgment.

I had to fight my issues on my own. The nice thing was that the group all knew what I was going through and didn't really draw a whole lot of attention to it. Sometimes it's easier dealing with anxiety when your left to relax on your own. You can't push an anxious person to have a good time. It doesn't work that way.

I'll give it another shot. I'll go out to the next social event, if just to get myself out of the house.

Trying to get a job...

...Is not as easy as you'd think.

It's funny because when I quit my job last August I was telling people that when I started to look for a new job it would be easy because I'm the ideal candidate. I don't know if I meant specifically for vet medicine or any old job in particular but I gotta say, it is not easy!!!

I'm applying for jobs that I think won't follow me home at night. I've applied to Wal-Mart, Chapters, Shoppers Drug Mart, Home Depot, Loblaws, Leons and IKEA. I've applied for jobs as secretaries, receptionists, office assistants and nothing has come through. I get emails from Chapters and Home Depot saying I'm not what they are looking for. What the hell are they looking for!!! You go into those stores and you deal with 19 year old kids who have never had a job before and who can't answer your questions because they just don't give a damn. Do I have to apply with a blank resume? Do I have TOO MUCH experience? Give me an fing break!!!

I've only applied to one tech job with a vet that I worked with for 5 years. The problem is the clinic is bilingual and I don't speak a lick of french. Bums me out but there's nothing I can do. I think I'm going to start circulating resumes to all the local clinics.

Being off work has been enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time. It has given me a chance to recoup my losses and start to heal my mind. Compassion fatigue and work related anxiety are not easy things to overcome. I know if I had kept working I wouldn't have been able to deal. I was almost given an ultimatum at work - decide what I wanted to do (quite, cut down my hours or stay as is) in one week. I had no choice! I quite! I wasn't getting paid enough to work there full time anymore and I wasn't getting the recognition that I needed to be happy there. I was dealing with a boss who was very light on the positive feedback (or any feedback) and an office manager who liked to give negative feedback (possibly because it made her feel better about her position). I was panicking about going to work before I even got to work and once I was there I was afraid of doing anything at all for fear of being yelled at. It's not a healthy work environment.

When I quit they hired a technician who had gone to the same school as I but graduated two years after me. She had worked for an insurance company for two years and had less experience. They hired her for 2.50 more an hour than what I was getting paid!!! I had been there for six years and put my entire life into that clinic and they still didn't show me the respect and consideration that I needed. Just goes to show you what you actually mean to an employer. But this takes the entire cake and eats it! She only last 3 months. Rumour has it that she was fired for having a bad attitude (although that clinic really doesn't fire anyone). Right now they're still looking for a technician!!! I'm laughing inside but I'm still depressed and upset outside.

It's not worth it being upset over a job. I've learned to let go of my bitterness over how I was treated there. It still hurts but I'm moving on. My goal is to find a new job, in retail or in vet med, and become a new, stronger person. I will survive!

Yesterday

Yesterday I woke up heavy. I woke up not feeling happy and wanting to do nothing all day but stay in bed and stare at the television. I dragged myself out of bed, put on a house coat and went downstairs to let my old dog outside. I made coffee and spent two hours watching talk shows.

I hate days like this. Days where I have no energy, no will to do anything but mope. Days where the sun isn't out or is hiding behind massive ugly black clouds. I don't even have the will to eat or read. Getting dressed is a chore and putting in my contacts is worse. Yesterday was shaping up to be one of those days.

I journaled. I wrote about how I was feeling, what my aspirations for the day were (I had none) and how silly and stupid it all seemed. And then I wrote about forcing myself up off the couch and upstairs to change. And that's what I did. As much as I didn't want to do anything I figured that I should at least get dressed. Why not!! There's no harm in wearing a bra and pants. I also put in my contacts. That made me feel more human. Then I started thinking of all the things that should get done. We were expecting a house guest (he never showed) and he would possibly be spending the night. I don't like my guests sleeping in filth. My checklist started with changing the spare bed.

That's when I started my two hour house cleaning rampage. I went from 0 - 60 in 10 minutes and had the litters changed and boxes washed, the bedrooms vacuumed, the guest bathroom washed, the guest bed changed. And then I turned my attention to the living room. I dusts and plumped, organized and vacuumed. I washed the TV and groomed my plants. Once my chores were done I got ready to go for a walk. And what a glorious walk it was!!! When I got home I did my weights.

Yesterday turned out to be an ok day and I'm extremely proud of myself for getting myself up at dressed. I find it very hard to motivate myself when I'm feeling so low. Motivation doesn't happen every day but when it does it turns my day from being a bedridden one to being one of energy and happiness!

Now just to turn today around too...

Scary Movies

Well, just Scary Movie 1, 2, and 3, all of which I watched today on TV. That's alot of shit to shove into a brain for one day and my brain is feeling like mush right now.

What's in a diagnosis?

I have depression and from what my psychiatrist says borderline personality disorder. It is defined on Wikipedia as "a personality disorder characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relationships." I'll say it affects interpersonal relationships!

I'm married. It's coming up on 3 years that we've been married and 7 together. I go through different "moods" throughout the day depending on the situations I am in or come across. One minute I can be happy and the next I can snap at the smallest provocation and make a big issue about nothing. My husband still cannot understand the fluctuations and will often react to me acting out at him.

It's like I have a number of different people in my mind controlling my emotions. One person controls my happiness, another my sadness, one my anger and one my frustration. There is one for my anxiety and one for my sensual side (she doesn't come out that often anymore). It's not multiple personalities and it's not schizophrenia. But something controls all these different moods and they can come out unexpected and for no reason.

I think borderline personality disorder is fairly common. If you haven't watched the movie "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie then you should. It gives a very different picture of mental health and mental health wards - you know the places where you stay if you are suicidal or have tried to commit suicide. Winona Ryder's character has borderline personality disorder. Watching an actress play something that you have is weird because then you start to think that you are that character or should be acting like that character because Hey! she's an actress and the people who wrote that script are professionals and they got the disorder bang on because that's their job and they wouldn't portray someone with something false! Ha!!! All you naive people out there who think that!

I also have Tourette Syndrome and I was diagnosed at age 6. It's not an easy syndrome to live with. For adolescent males and females it plagues them with all these stereotypes that are seen in the media. People automatically think that you shout obscenities all the time and have these outrageous arm movements. For most adolescents they will grow out of TS by the time they've reached puberty. For a small number of adults, TS is still an issue. My psychiatrist asked me, when he found out about my TS, if I "say things". Ha! There is only 10% of people who actually exhibit coprolalia! Yet that is what the public, movies and my psychiatrist think about when they hear about Tourette Syndrome!! How sad!

I am on two different medications to try to balance out my depression and my BPD. One is Cymbalta, an antidepressant. I guess it's working. I really can't tell and that's a little frustrating in and of itself because I have BPD which causes my mood to go all over the place and affect my depression. Which brings me to the second medication Seroquel. This medication is used to treat Schizophrenia but at extremely high doses. At lower doses it's used to treat depression and it's used as a mood stabilizer. I'm slowly increasing it (under psychiatrist orders) to help stabilize my wild moods. We'll see what happens with it!!

I've been on other antidepressants - Paxil, Zoloft and Cipralex. I was on Zoloft for approximately 8 years and weaned myself off maybe 6 years ago because it wasn't doing much for me and I wasn't seeing a regular doctor to help monitor it. The Paxil was a mess and screwed me up (I took it at 16 and it didn't help me) and the Cipralex I took for 7 weeks prior to starting the Cymbalta.

There are many drugs out there now to treat depression and all the lovely little issues that accompany it. It is always a good idea to have these drugs monitored by a physician or a psychiatrist to make sure you aren't abusing them and that they are working to their full potential. There's no use taking a drug if it's not working!

What's "a blog"?

This is not my first foray into the "blogosphere". I have attempted a couple of times to write a blog but they have all ended dismally. My problem is that I am not good at getting into a routine with it. I don't always have something to write about and when I think about something to write I've either already written something or it's the middle of the night and I'm not getting out of bed to write something.

I've decided to start this blog because I can no longer afford mental health care and I need an outlet other than a journal to express myself and my feelings.

I recently turned thirty and like many other people who have recently turned thirty I came to the realization that I haven't done everything with my life that I wanted to do. I don't have kids, I don't have this amazing career and I'm definitely not financially stable. However I am married, I do own a house (with a massive mortgage attached) and I do have an awesome car (with a not so massive mortgage attached). My biggest claim to fame is that I'm an amazing veterinary technician when I'm not burned out and suffering from depression and compassion fatigue. My hope (I think) is to be able to overcome my fears and concerns and get back into veterinary medicine in some form.

My dive into depression and compassion fatigue happened over a period of years. I started out in 2004 a new grad with a registered status as an RVT. I started in a small animal clinic in a very small semi rural community working for one of two vets in the area. It was an interesting year where I saw a gunshot dog, dealt with a new vet grad who was very arrogant and naive and dealt with an assistant who felt she was better than me. I didn't learn good techniques and I did many questionable things with this vet.

He was "old school". In the vet world this can mean many different things such as no pain control, no fluid control, poor anesthesia, lack of diagnostics and so on. He was half and half. He used the big pain control (oxymorphine) for orthopedic surgeries but used only NSAIDS for "routine" spays and neuters. IV's were utilized for his orthopedics but not for spays and neuters. We didn't use premeds and gave everything whopping boluses of propofol (typically given in small doses over a minute). Cats were "gassed" down in a fish tank and were often placed on a mask only. He did run diagnostics quite frequently and treated sick animals with fluids and antibiotics but pain control was very rare. He was a big proponent of vet diets and used Eukanuba for weight loss. Over all he was an ok vet and was well respected in the community. Mind you that wasn't a very difficult feat since the other vet in town was much much worse.

My second job, only one year out of school, was 8 hours from my first job and was in a large referral/emergency and general practice hospital consisting of over 200 employees. I was definitely not prepared for this job and the responsibilities involved. I was too naive, having worked for a rural vet, and even though I was registered and familiar with some medications and procedures, I had to learn a new way to practice. The staff and vets were much more advanced and were very critical of everything I did or said. I only lasted 8 months in general practice. I was fired, leaving me feeling inadequate and worthless as a tech. It took me only a month to find another job.

My third job as a veterinary technician was at a small animal, small staff, very busy practice. When I first started I was told that raises were discouraged. I was also informed by another staff member that I was hired because the office manager (bosses wife) disliked the hospital that I was fired from. After 2 weeks she bumped up my salary by 2 bucks because, as she put it "you're better than I thought you would be." What, just because big hospital fires me means I'm dog crap? I lasted 3 months and they were the worst three months of my career so far. I was verbally abused by the bosses wife, I was overworked, I was underappreciated and lambasted on many accounts by the boss, including my first day when he said to a client "I have to do this cause my techs can't do it". The medicine at this clinic was questionable and also heavily discounted, the clinic gearing towards lower income people. Oh, so this is why raises were discouraged!

I got a call from another clinic and had an interview and was hired while working at my third clinic. I gave my two weeks and left.

The fourth clinic was my home for 6 years. It's still fresh and painful to think of because that is where everything that mattered to me happened and fell apart. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy decision to leave but a needed one. Maybe I'll discuss my life there at a later date.

About two years ago my compassion fatigue button started to go off. I was tired all the time, cranky and was having problems with my husband. I would come home from work and started yelling at him. Last May we started seeing a therapist who helped us work on our personal issues. I waxed and waned over the following six months about my job and what it was worth to me. By the time I quit I was having anxiety attacks (including one massive one at work), I was sleeping and I was having thoughts of suicide. As my husband puts it "if I hadn't quit I'd be dead now."

Right now I'm working on me. I've started to look for work but it's a painful and harsh road. I have no constructive business in any other field other than vet med. I'm trying to find a job in retail but it's very difficult. It's hard to get turned down for a job without an interview.

Crossing my fingers and toes, I'm trucking along. We'll see what happens in the future, with my mind and my career.

Copernicus

I dedicate my first post to Copernicus. Not the mathematician and astronomer who put the sun at the center of the universe but my cat who died in my arms on November 8th 2012.

I'm a veterinary technician and I suffered burnout and compassion fatigue. I quit my job at a vet hospital last August and I've been adrift ever since.

Copernicus got sick in the middle of October. He didn't eat breakfast one morning. Very unusual for him because food was everything to him. I checked him out and palpated his abdomen. Good thing I know what I'm looking for - I felt a small mass in his upper abdomen. I texted my friend who is a vet at a different clinic from the one I had worked at. She was going to go to the clinic for me to look at him. God was I thankful for that.

When I got there we weighed him. I don't recall exactly what his previous weight was and for the life of me I can't remember what his weight was that day but it was a small drop. She examined him and palpated the mass. We took some blood and ran it. Ultimately there wasn't much on the bloodwork except for a drop in protein.

I kept an eye on him for a couple of weeks. His appetite was off and on, nothing really getting any better or worse. My friends clinic was having an ultrasound demo and they needed pets so we scheduled a day for me to bring Copernicus back.

When she palpated him she felt the mass had grown. We ultra sounded it and found that it was wrapped around or growing into his intestine. She sedated him and aspirated a small sample from the mass. I waited in agony for a couple of days until it came back. It didn't specifically indicate malignant cancer (the big one being lymphoma) but it showed bacteria (possibly from within the intestine itself) and lymphocytes. She suggested started him on antibiotics for a possible cystic infection. He didn't do well on the meds. He stopped eating.

Wednesday night was an awful night. Copernicus was restless, not settling down. He was painful and would sit and stare at the floor. He was sleeping on the heat registers because he was so cold. When I went to bed he slept on my pillow beside my head. He tried jumping on the counter in the bathroom and onto the windowsill in the bedroom. He couldn't because he was too weak.

Thursday morning I texted my friend. I told her I had palpitated his abdomen and felt a second mass. I told her he was weak and cold. She asked THE question. Was I thinking euthanasia. Yes, I was. My husband and I bundled Copernicus up and drove to the clinic.

He had dropped a pound in two weeks. While waiting for sedation, he was rubbing and cuddling with us, nonstop purring. The sedation was given into what was left of his lumbar muscle. It didn't take long for it to take effect. He relaxed onto the blanket and my friend placed a catheter in his leg. She asked me if I was ready. I wasn't. I didn't want this to happen. I had lived with Copernicus for 10 years. I needed another 10 years with him. It was too soon! But I knew he wasn't going to do well. He was going to continue getting sicker and sicker and he would lose more weight. He would get weaker. I couldn't do that to him.

I cuddled him and cried over him while she injected him with the euthansol. He was very relaxed and didn't feel a thing. I felt his life slip away.

I cry as I type this. I know I did the best for him that I could. I can honestly say I did everything for him that I possibly could. I didn't let him suffer because I wasn't ready. I made the selfless decision to let him go.

I have his ashes sitting in a lovely little urn on my fireplace mantle. There is a small bag of ashes that wouldn't fit in the urn and I'm going to bury them at my parents house beside his housemate Frisky, who we said goodbye to in 2010.

I miss Copernicus with all my heart. He weaseled his way in while I was in my first year of college. He became best friends with my dog Casper and my other cat Shylock. He became my companion, my lap cat. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about him.

I started dreaming about him maybe two months after he passed away. I dream frequently about Frisky. He became my constant dream companion shortly after his passing in 2010. In my first dream with Copernicus, Frisky was lying in a basket, got up and let Copernicus in. I cherish my dreams with Copernicus but they also make me sad knowing that I'll never hear his meow or his purr again. I'll never have him on my lap or in my bed. I'll never see him again except in my dreams.