This is not my first foray into the "blogosphere". I have attempted a couple of times to write a blog but they have all ended dismally. My problem is that I am not good at getting into a routine with it. I don't always have something to write about and when I think about something to write I've either already written something or it's the middle of the night and I'm not getting out of bed to write something.
I've decided to start this blog because I can no longer afford mental health care and I need an outlet other than a journal to express myself and my feelings.
I recently turned thirty and like many other people who have recently turned thirty I came to the realization that I haven't done everything with my life that I wanted to do. I don't have kids, I don't have this amazing career and I'm definitely not financially stable. However I am married, I do own a house (with a massive mortgage attached) and I do have an awesome car (with a not so massive mortgage attached). My biggest claim to fame is that I'm an amazing veterinary technician when I'm not burned out and suffering from depression and compassion fatigue. My hope (I think) is to be able to overcome my fears and concerns and get back into veterinary medicine in some form.
My dive into depression and compassion fatigue happened over a period of years. I started out in 2004 a new grad with a registered status as an RVT. I started in a small animal clinic in a very small semi rural community working for one of two vets in the area. It was an interesting year where I saw a gunshot dog, dealt with a new vet grad who was very arrogant and naive and dealt with an assistant who felt she was better than me. I didn't learn good techniques and I did many questionable things with this vet.
He was "old school". In the vet world this can mean many different things such as no pain control, no fluid control, poor anesthesia, lack of diagnostics and so on. He was half and half. He used the big pain control (oxymorphine) for orthopedic surgeries but used only NSAIDS for "routine" spays and neuters. IV's were utilized for his orthopedics but not for spays and neuters. We didn't use premeds and gave everything whopping boluses of propofol (typically given in small doses over a minute). Cats were "gassed" down in a fish tank and were often placed on a mask only. He did run diagnostics quite frequently and treated sick animals with fluids and antibiotics but pain control was very rare. He was a big proponent of vet diets and used Eukanuba for weight loss. Over all he was an ok vet and was well respected in the community. Mind you that wasn't a very difficult feat since the other vet in town was much much worse.
My second job, only one year out of school, was 8 hours from my first job and was in a large referral/emergency and general practice hospital consisting of over 200 employees. I was definitely not prepared for this job and the responsibilities involved. I was too naive, having worked for a rural vet, and even though I was registered and familiar with some medications and procedures, I had to learn a new way to practice. The staff and vets were much more advanced and were very critical of everything I did or said. I only lasted 8 months in general practice. I was fired, leaving me feeling inadequate and worthless as a tech. It took me only a month to find another job.
My third job as a veterinary technician was at a small animal, small staff, very busy practice. When I first started I was told that raises were discouraged. I was also informed by another staff member that I was hired because the office manager (bosses wife) disliked the hospital that I was fired from. After 2 weeks she bumped up my salary by 2 bucks because, as she put it "you're better than I thought you would be." What, just because big hospital fires me means I'm dog crap? I lasted 3 months and they were the worst three months of my career so far. I was verbally abused by the bosses wife, I was overworked, I was underappreciated and lambasted on many accounts by the boss, including my first day when he said to a client "I have to do this cause my techs can't do it". The medicine at this clinic was questionable and also heavily discounted, the clinic gearing towards lower income people. Oh, so this is why raises were discouraged!
I got a call from another clinic and had an interview and was hired while working at my third clinic. I gave my two weeks and left.
The fourth clinic was my home for 6 years. It's still fresh and painful to think of because that is where everything that mattered to me happened and fell apart. Suffice it to say, it was not an easy decision to leave but a needed one. Maybe I'll discuss my life there at a later date.
About two years ago my compassion fatigue button started to go off. I was tired all the time, cranky and was having problems with my husband. I would come home from work and started yelling at him. Last May we started seeing a therapist who helped us work on our personal issues. I waxed and waned over the following six months about my job and what it was worth to me. By the time I quit I was having anxiety attacks (including one massive one at work), I was sleeping and I was having thoughts of suicide. As my husband puts it "if I hadn't quit I'd be dead now."
Right now I'm working on me. I've started to look for work but it's a painful and harsh road. I have no constructive business in any other field other than vet med. I'm trying to find a job in retail but it's very difficult. It's hard to get turned down for a job without an interview.
Crossing my fingers and toes, I'm trucking along. We'll see what happens in the future, with my mind and my career.
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