It's been well over a year since my life changed and I quite my job. I lost a group of people from my life and 2013 was a year of adjustments and changes. Today the pain of October/November came flooding back and I wished for the feeling of oblivion again.

I'd like to think I've changed and learned forgiveness but when you're faced with the old anger and bitterness that you thought you put behind you, you realize that nothings changed and you've just shoved those old feelings down deep into the pit of emotions.

It's sad to realize that although you've "forgiven", no one else has.

All it takes is one small step in the wrong direction and you've stumbled and stepped on that blade. It slices into you and you start to crave that red hot slice. It feels good, allows a seeping liquid to escape and with it goes the anger, sadness, frustration and depression you've felt all your life and leaves you empty and unfeeling which, when you admit it, feels pretty damn good! All emotions are poisonous to you and make you sick and confused because they're all actually lying to you! They don't want you to feel good! If you give into them, they win and become more powerful. It's like a vicious cycle. The more ill they make you feel the more powerful they become and they make you sicker and it revolves around unending.

It's hard to live with emotions when you don't respond to them like other people. People around you don't understand what you're going through and judge you for the way you react to others. They consider you cruel or nasty and call you abusive or think you are a horrible person. It's not fair that you have to try to justify yourself with those people closest to you. They should be the people to say "I don't need to know why you're like this. All i need to know is that I love you and accept you."

Well self! I don't need to know why you're defective! I love you and accept you just the way you are!

My future

I have a job. My concern with said job is that it's not what I went to college for. I'm feeling conflicted about the job because I want to work in a clinic doing what I worked 8 years on. I don't want to be middle age in a job that I'm not happy with.

I've given myself up to a year in this position. If in a years time I'm not happy with where I am, I'm going to find another job.

The end is near

I feel the end is getting closer. There's less control in the back legs, more weakness in general. He seems to have less awareness and he's more restless than normal. There may also be some weight loss. With kidney failure brewing for 3 years, I wonder if it's going to catch up to him. My poor old dog Casper may be leaving this world soon.

We did however think the same thing this time last year. He was weaker, messing more in the house, sleeping more often and seemed less aware of his surroundings. I don't know if it's me thinking he made it through another winter, let's see if he can go one more. I don't know if it's wondering when the time will come, thinking that now I don't have the money for any heroics. It's not the easiest having an elderly dog and not being able to see into his future.

He's been my companion for 10 years. I adopted him while I was in school and he was my walking companion, my movie friends, the one I cried to when I was upset or depressed. We came to know each other as well as a dog and human can. He became my everything and guided my through my twenties. My loneliness, my dating, my breakups, my job losses. He took care of me so these last 2 - 3 years, when he became someone other than the dog I knew and loved, I took care of him. I've gone through different medications to help with brain function, different diets to help with brain and joint health, using a belly band to prevent urine leakages, cleaning up his various messes in the house. I've stuck with him when many other people would have said "no way! It's too much work and way too much money!"

I love my dog and I'm going to miss him when the time comes.

Frustration!!!

Why is it always so incredibly difficult for people to comfirm things? I'm trying to organize a gathering on Saturday at a comedy club and I need an exact number of tickets or I'm charged for those that don't show up.

I need to know now!!!!

It's really frustrating when people don't respond ASAP to inquiries. Why is it so difficult? I know everyone else has a life and I don't but not knowing has me frustrated, anxious and nervous about not getting the seats we need and booking the seats but having to pay for no shows. I'm already dealing with anxiety and I don't need this shit shoveled on top of it!

I know I'm making a big deal out of nothing but I always do that. I wish I could just go with the flow but unfortunately I'm not that type of person. I wish I could change!!

Be Positive!

I'm trying to be very positive while dealing with my depression. It's not an easy thing for depressed people, always thinking of the negative, how people don't care, how the world is out to get them. That's how I feel and there are many days where I give in to those feelings and allow them to carry me away.

I'm positive I'm not going to get a job. Of course I'm not really looking in my field of expertise right now. I always wonder if I start sending out resumes to veterinary clinics if I'll get a hit. And then what? Am I ready for the stress of it all again? Especially going into heartworm season. It's a busy time of year for a clinic and even busier when there is a new employee involved.

I'm positive I have no friends. Of course if I didn't have friends, then I wouldn't have had anyone over on the weekend. We had a small gathering and it was really fun!

I'm positive I'm a failure. I'm really only a failure because I look at the negative of what's been happening the last year. The positive point is that my husband and I are stronger in our relationship than we were a year ago; I haven't failed at my marriage.

CBT (aka cognitive behaviour therapy) is what my doctor wants me to work on. It gives you a way to look at different situations that affect you and learn to recognize your emotions and feelings in those situations. It gives you a formula for adjusting your thinking and learning how to think differently.

I purchased the workbook "Mind Over Mood". For anyone who cannot deal with their emotions or cannot recognize their emotions I suggest purchasing this book and working through it.

Now I just have to turn my frown upside down and start looking on the "positive" side of life.

It's hard

I'm sad today. I'm sad and confused and hurt and anguished and tormented with all these feelings and I don't know how to express myself. I'm lost between wanting to cry and wanting to sit down and do nothing. Instead I've lit candles, cleaned my house and I'm blaring my music. I wish I could cry because it would make me feel better. It would drain all the bad from me.

I cut this morning again. It's the same spot each time but I'm doing more and more cuts. It's three this time instead of two. And last time was two instead of one. They aren't big cuts, maybe 1/2 an inch. It didn't help me. It didn't release the demons. I hurt inside.

My biggest fear

My biggest fear is not being heard. It feels that I've gone through life not being heard by my family, my parents, my friends, my coworkers and bosses. I think I have things to say that are important and like everyone else in this world I worry that what I say will go unheard by the most important people in my life.

I have a fear of abandonment. I have a fear of being forgotten and ignored. It's happened to me more times that I can count. For some reason people can't stick around for the entire show. They show up for the intro, sometimes stick around for the first act but can't make it through the entire play. They find the play too intense, too scattered. They can't get the story line and they don't want to try and decipher it. That makes it hard for me to trust people.

I've never made friends easily. I've never fit into a group or click. In high school I was part of a group until they decided I wasn't good enough, wasn't stable enough to be friends with them. I lost all my friends and with them my sense of stability. I wandered through my last two years of high school without a purpose. I lost my identity.

I entered into my first year of college with no real prospects. I was living at home then, and I was taking this course to upgrade my science and biology. I didn't have any real hopes of making friends. This was just a stepping stone to bigger and better things. I tried but ultimately I failed. Maybe it's because I didn't dress "cool" or maybe it's because I didn't attend school functions.

When I started college for vet technology, I had higher hopes. I was in the program for two years so I figured that was long enough to make a friend. It was still extremely hard. I didn't drink, I was living off campus and I was used to being a loner. People felt I wasn't good enough for the program and a number of them thought I wouldn't make it past the first semester. I made some "enemies", people who didn't like me for whatever reason. However, I did make one good lasting friendship. That bolstered my resolve to make myself someone better, a nonloner.

My first year out of college was lonely. I only had my animals and my fish. I didn't make friends at work. I didn't make friends out of work. I wasn't too worried, I knew how to be alone and how to entertain myself.

I moved to the big city the second year out of college. That's where I started dating and started getting to know people. I got to know 3 people really well at work. So well that we spent a lot of time together outside of work. The biggest theme with these outings was alcohol. I did indeed discover drinking and I discovered that I was fun and outgoing when I was drinking. I made people laugh.

Alcohol is also what made my depression worse. I've always had depression but about 2 years ago it started to get bad again. My job was getting to me and my marriage was in trouble.

Last October my life fell apart. I had quit my job due to depression and anxiety. I was on antidepressants and seeing a therapist. My cat got sick and we had to put him down. And I lost my friends. I was stupid at a party and I let the depression dictate my drinking and I became a horrible human being.

I have never been described as horrible. I'm a genuinely nice person. I don't get mad at people for being asses, I forgive and I don't lie. I guess that's why their betrayal was so painful. They abandoned me.

I couldn't explain myself. They didn't give me the chance. They didn't allow me to apologize. They judged me negatively because of one night. I knew these people for 6 years and in one night all the good we were was erased and thrown out.

I'm a little bitter but I forgive them. They don't understand and they don't forgive easily. For some people a mistake is a mistake. For others it's a deal breaker. If I knew I was breaking our deal, I wouldn't have had alcohol that night. I would have listened to what I was trying to tell myself, that I wasn't in a good place. I should have gone home and avoided the situation all together. For someone who wants to be heard, I definitely didn't hear myself. Ironic, isn't it?